First, let me start by saying I really don't want to share this but I'm not sure what it means so here it goes...
When I was 13 I was raped by an older guy (19). I got pregnant (which is a whole other story). When I was 5 months along I want to the police for help and put him in jail (also another story). Yesterday was my 37th birthday and I had a dream about him last night. It was beyond disturbing. I wanted to be with him and yet I couldn't get away. Part of my dream I missed my work shift, just didn't show up, because i didnt want to leave him. But I got a letter saying I was canceled for the shift so no stress.
I asked yi today "what was that dream about J about?
53.5 <52.
Maybe it's about healing. I just know there is a large part of me that wants nothing to do with this wound. Maybe it's about death and burial and letting it go but I REALLY wanted to be with him in the dream.
Any ideas from people not in my head would be helpful.
Thanks

First, let me start by saying I really don't want to share this but I'm not sure what it means so here it goes...
When I was 13 I was raped by an older guy (19). I got pregnant (which is a whole other story). When I was 5 months along I want to the police for help and put him in jail (also another story).

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Awful, so sorry Glad he was put in jail

Yesterday was my 37th birthday and I had a dream about him last night. It was beyond disturbing. I wanted to be with him and yet I couldn't get away. Part of my dream I missed my work shift, just didn't show up, because i didnt want to leave him. But I got a letter saying I was canceled for the shift so no stress.
I asked yi today "what was that dream about J about?
53.5 <52.
Maybe it's about healing. I just know there is a large part of me that wants nothing to do with this wound. Maybe it's about death and burial and letting it go but I REALLY wanted to be with him in the dream.

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My first thought was it's your psyche's attempt to heal by making the rape into something that was consensual. If it was consensual, if you actually wanted him, then the rape never happened so I'm wondering if the dream was an attempt to remake history, to erase any memory or thought of rape in your head. My second thought is he is a symbol of someone/something else you want but feel some reason to mistrust.


I need to see the line in front of me. From Hilary's translation in wiki

The wild geese gradually advance to the grave mounds.
The wife is not pregnant for three years.
In the end, nothing can prevent it.
Good fortune.’

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Well this makes me wonder if there is something literal here. Are you about to get pregnant again, thinking of getting pregnant, or already are pregnant ? Is pregnancy something you want ? If it is something you want then naturally your subconscious is going to be linking pregnancy to the circumstances surrounding your last pregnancy. Even if you had another baby since then I still think pregnancy is going to be caught up with the circumstances of the first one subconsciously at least.

Might this dream be translated into the wish for a baby. In particular the wish for a baby that you have willingly chosen to have ?


I wonder if the detail about the work shift also hints at pregnancy/child care/what that might involve for work.


The line path is interesting. Here it is

53.5
52.5
51.2
54.2


The fan yao, the flip side of the cast is 54.2, a woman who feels she is abandoned, someone who has no choice but to go on alone with her vision limited but intact. There's a degree of struggle there. But you didn't get this, you got a line of fulfilment of a long held desire. Just ask yourself what is the desire for really ? It isn't him, the rapist, it's more to do with perhaps the dreams or visions you had for yourself aged 13, who you were then, your wish for family or pregnancy now and how that rape would have stolen some of that from you. 52.5 and 51.2 would be the story inside the dream. The sense of having to leave something behind a long time ago in 51.2, something that now can return to be fulfilled ?


53.5 is a wonderful line and in my experience doesn't fail to deliver something back to you that you have long lost or long awaited.


Also the pregnancy in this line may not be literal it may represent the coming to fruition of something lost or mislaid some time back, something you often doubted you could ever find again. Now it's imminent you wonder if it is like the rapist, coming to steal and injure. But you do want this thing and so your mind conflates it with him.


Rape, I imagine tampers with your own experience of desire. it might be harder to get in touch with your desires of all kinds, harder to link your desire to your own will.

I feel the dream is to do with your relationship to desire one way or the other


That's the thoughts that come so far. Can you relate to any of it ?

Thanks Trojina, I will post a better response to this later, I'm headed out the door.

My phone won't let me quote you so let me see if I can do a chop job here.

" It isn't him, the rapist, it's more to do with perhaps the dreams or visions you had for yourself aged 13, who you were then, your wish for family or pregnancy now and how that rape would have stolen some of that from you. 52.5 and 51.2 would be the story inside the dream. The sense of having to leave something behind a long time ago in 51.2, something that now can return to be fulfilled ?"

No I haven't been wanting children. Off and on in the past 24 years I have had what I would call urges but they were completely related to my period. About 4 months ago I was aware that that egg was the last healthy one. However, when I was 13 I really, no REALLY wanted a child. After the trauma I have not wanted anything to do with children. Maybe that is what's trying to heal? Not sure though, maybe but not quite kind of feeling here.

"Also the pregnancy in this line may not be literal it may represent the coming to fruition of something lost or mislaid some time back, something you often doubted you could ever find again. Now it's imminent you wonder if it is like the rapist, coming to steal and injure. But you do want this thing and so your mind conflates it with him."

This feels closer. When I was 13 I was involved with Westernairs. This is a horse program in Colorado. More than anything else in my life at that time I wanted to be with horses. Recently we have been struggling with farmers that have literally stolen some of our land (cut up the waterways and service roads) and to me this has been akin to rape, certainly a violation in the most heinous way (nature is everything to me). And I think that the trauma of this experience "triggered" (I hate that word) me. So in a way I am pregnant again, for the land. Also, I can see a "wanting" involved. I want this land. I want to care for it, protect it, heal it. Like you would a child. So yes this is making sense.
Thank you, you helped me dig through the layers. I'm not always, nope that's not right, I am rarely able to see what's right in front of my face.

"53.5 is a wonderful line and in my experience doesn't fail to deliver something back to you that you have long lost or long awaited."
This is hopeful with re: to the land and what we are dreaming about for our farm. I hope that my psyche will choose a less traumatic way to communicate with me next time.
Thanks again Trojina.

My phone won't let me quote you so let me see if I can do a chop job here.

" It isn't him, the rapist, it's more to do with perhaps the dreams or visions you had for yourself aged 13, who you were then, your wish for family or pregnancy now and how that rape would have stolen some of that from you. 52.5 and 51.2 would be the story inside the dream. The sense of having to leave something behind a long time ago in 51.2, something that now can return to be fulfilled ?"

No I haven't been wanting children. Off and on in the past 24 years I have had what I would call urges but they were completely related to my period. About 4 months ago I was aware that that egg was the last healthy one. However, when I was 13 I really, no REALLY wanted a child. After the trauma I have not wanted anything to do with children. Maybe that is what's trying to heal? Not sure though, maybe but not quite kind of feeling here.

"Also the pregnancy in this line may not be literal it may represent the coming to fruition of something lost or mislaid some time back, something you often doubted you could ever find again. Now it's imminent you wonder if it is like the rapist, coming to steal and injure. But you do want this thing and so your mind conflates it with him."

This feels closer. When I was 13 I was involved with Westernairs. This is a horse program in Colorado. More than anything else in my life at that time I wanted to be with horses. Recently we have been struggling with farmers that have literally stolen some of our land (cut up the waterways and service roads) and to me this has been akin to rape, certainly a violation in the most heinous way (nature is everything to me). And I think that the trauma of this experience "triggered" (I hate that word) me. So in a way I am pregnant again, for the land. Also, I can see a "wanting" involved. I want this land. I want to care for it, protect it, heal it. Like you would a child. So yes this is making sense.
Thank you, you helped me dig through the layers. I'm not always, nope that's not right, I am rarely able to see what's right in front of my face.

"53.5 is a wonderful line and in my experience doesn't fail to deliver something back to you that you have long lost or long awaited."
This is hopeful with re: to the land and what we are dreaming about for our farm. I hope that my psyche will choose a less traumatic way to communicate with me next time.
Thanks again Trojina.

Sorry for the double response my phone doesn't like this format.

Of course it is highly unlikely I will actually know what your dream means for you even with the assistance of Yi. Your dream is your soul talking to you and it is intensely personal and bound up with all your own personal meanings and connections.

I'm just saying this as I don't really want you to regard this dream as 'sorted' or dealt with and I definitely don't want you to take my word for it, on the dream meaning, I only offered suggestions. You probably don't anyway but I just think this is a very important dream, not one to be wrapped up as meaning xyz too quickly. A highly disturbing dream of course but dreams tend to turn up the volume to get our attention.


I just wanted to say don't make this a 'closed case' too soon. Whilst others like me can come up with ideas I think it is only you who can really connect with the dream.

TwoGeese said:

Part of my dream I missed my work shift, just didn't show up, because i didnt want to leave him. But I got a letter saying I was canceled for the shift so no stress.
53.5 <52.

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Perhaps this desire to be with him is just a very strong metaphor for the need to go internally back to the situation, to the origin of your suffering -- which was he -- in order to heal. The agreement of your boss to miss a shift as a metaphor could mean that it is now allowed and even very important for you to postpone your daily duties as much as possible for taking time for the benefit of your healing.
53.5 in this context is indeed a very mysterious answer. This line can talk about feeling misunderstood and lonely for a very long time, but in the end everything ends well. This could talk of inner, conflicting parts of you that have not yet come together coherently in order to feel well again. But healing seems to be possible eventually, as Trojina said, 53.5 is a most auspicious line in the long run, even if it comes along with initial difficulties. However, I think both the dream and the result suggest that now is the right time to tackle your healing.

Trojina said:

Also the pregnancy in this line may not be literal it may represent the coming to fruition of something lost or mislaid some time back, something you often doubted you could ever find again. Now it's imminent you wonder if it is like the rapist, coming to steal and injure. But you do want this thing and so your mind conflates it with him.

Click to expand...

TwoGeese said:

When I was 13 I was involved with Westernairs. This is a horse program in Colorado. More than anything else in my life at that time I wanted to be with horses. Recently we have been struggling with farmers that have literally stolen some of our land (cut up the waterways and service roads) and to me this has been akin to rape, certainly a violation in the most heinous way (nature is everything to me). And I think that the trauma of this experience "triggered" (I hate that word) me. So in a way I am pregnant again, for the land. Also, I can see a "wanting" involved. I want this land. I want to care for it, protect it, heal it. Like you would a child. So yes this is making sense.

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These are great interpretations. Please take mine as a possible additional meaning of a reading that could be multi-layered in its dimensions.

Trojina- don't worry I'm still chewing on it but your impressions helped me see into mine. I always work better when others present their ideas-mine spin around the same drain a lot.
Equinox: "Perhaps this desire to be with him is just a very strong metaphor for the need to go internally back to the situation, to the origin of your suffering -- which was he -- in order to heal. The agreement of your boss to miss a shift as a metaphor could mean that it is now allowed and even very important for you to postpone your daily duties as much as possible for taking time for the benefit of your healing."
Yes! This feels right too. Time to dig the depths. I'm a travelor and can make my own shifts and I actually am able to take the time right now.
"53.5 in this context is indeed a very mysterious answer. This line can talk about feeling misunderstood and lonely for a very long time, but in the end everything ends well. "
I have spent my life, since this happened, feeling misunderstood and lonely. It forced me to grow up really fast and all my interactions and choices were influenced by it even if I wasn't aware of it. It certainly put me on an island alone. I have tried to reach out to groups of women who had similar experiences but my age or circumstances always put me apart. Even now there are only 2 people in my life that know what happened and only my wife knows all of the story. I don't feel the need to run around telling people but maybe it's time to stop lying when people ask me if I have children. There's more giggling in the back of my mind but it's not verbal yet.
Thank you both for helping me.