Relationship questions are certainly the most common reason for people to consult the I Ching. They’re also the most common reason for people to get tied in knots of indecision and confusion when consulting. And this is a real shame, as the oracle is a compassionate relationship counsellor, that can support profound understanding and powerful communication between people. The key to connecting with the oracle, to tapping into the deeper insights it has to offer, is always the question you ask – and this is one area of human experience where the question uppermost in your mind doesn’t always go to the heart of the matter.
People often come to the I Ching out of a desperate desire to know how someone feels, or if a relationship can work out. Usually, as a rule, I’d encourage people to ask whatever question is dominating their thoughts, even if it doesn’t sound particularly lofty or enlightened. But in relationship issues especially, it seems that the urgent clamour of wanting to know can drown out the deeper question.
Take a couple of questions that in my experience are asked quite often. He wants to know if the child she’s pregnant with is his (he can’t take her word for it). Or she wants to know how he feels about her, as compared with that other woman. But there might be a whole lot more potential for positive change in asking about how to create trust in the relationship, or how to listen more completely to the other person.
So here are a few more suggestions for relationship questions that perhaps have the potential to go further than the more commonly-asked ones:
Instead of
“Will I ever meet my life partner?”
how about
“How can I change to become ready to meet a life partner?”
?
Instead of
“How does he feel about me?”
how about
“What does he want from me?”
and also…
“What am I really looking for from him?”
?
Instead of
“Will it work out?”
how about
“How can I connect with her on a deeper level?”
or just
“What can I do to help strengthen this relationship?”
?
Of course there will be times when you do want to ask about the potential in a relationship – when there’s a decision to be taken first about whether to make the emotional commitment yourself –
“If I pour my heart and soul into this relationship, what can I expect?”
But once that commitment’s made, it truly is worth taking the time to find a deeper, more radical question to ask.
Absolutely. Your words are poignant. I’m compelled to reply to you to say that this is an important understanding to be sharing with others. Anything which encourages the enquirer to reach within rather than look outwards must surely go to the heart of the matter. In my humble experience, it seems the I Ching is better able to articulate answers that are based upon what the enquirer should/could/might do than to those questions based upon things external. And is this not the classic relationship issue, repeated perpetually, that people look for answers in others rather than finding the independence or interdependence of being bale to find these answers and assuredness in themselves.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
With any friendship I have, particularly if I would like it to go in a romantic direction and the stubborn thing is or is not going in the direction I would like, I ask the I if I am being a true firend to my friend. Usually…Well, how good a friend I am to a friend is going to vary a lot even from one day to the next but for me I feel it’s the ground I need for any divination on the subject. Usually my question is, like Marianne Williamson says, “What is the situation between me and Elsbeth?” or whomever. It’s not the most lofty of questions and it has a ring of the obsessive about it but it’s really quite clear. The question is really, “What would this relationship look like to a neutral third party?” But then you get the answer you get anyway and the oracle doesn’t fuss much about hurting the querent’s feelings, as we all know well. That’s the comment I offer from my own practice, at least today.
Thanks Simon, thanks Timothy. That’s a really good question – “What kind of friend am I being?” I guess it would take considerable courage to ask it, too, knowing that – as you say – the oracle is not going to tread delicately around your feelings.
…Does our “past life” karmic debts carry forward and connect to our current patterns in this life time?
will be me and Marcus having a love affair and will it be regularly?